Doing a line

By Paul Barker

I've always liked the whiskey

And a pint or nine of stout

In fact I'm game for anything

For when I'm out I'm out

So when a joint is passed around

I always take a toke

And I still recall the only time

I tried a line of coke

It was up above in Dublin

In a place called Bartley Dunnes

There were women there of every kind

Even mini-skirted nuns

As I looked around at the cool cool scene

I said well flipping heck

You'd never get the likes of this

Back home in Killnaleck

I was amazed at all the sexy clothes,

Back home they still wear slacks

But I got the greatest shock of all

When I walked into the jacks

A woman at a urinal

To me that just seemed silly

Then she hoisted up her mini-skirt

And produced a geat big willy

Well I thought about this long and hard

Or should that be hard and long

I mean how'd he get a thing like that

Inside a flimsy thong

I began to plan how I'd escape

How any come-on I'd decline

And that's the reason I said yes

When he said - are you doing a line?

I thought he meant did I have a girl

And like was I going steady

But this didn't seem to put him off

For he said - so are you ready?

And before I knew what was going on

He had a hand-held mirror out

And a line of fine white powder

Disappeared right up his snout

He laid out another one for me

Saying this is real good stuff

So I sniffed it up my virgin nose

Like a granny taking snuff

It seemed to have no effect at all

As I went back out to the bar

Wait 'til I tell the boys back home

It's like being a real rock-star

Of a sudden things seemed clear to me

God I used to be such a fool

I remembered mathematical formulae

That I never knew in school

I felt alive I felt alert

I knew I was the tops

The only thing I didn't see

Was the arrival of the Cops

The beautiful people had disappeared

They'd beaten a quick retreat

With horror I saw the bags of coke

Discarded at my feet

So was I looking at twenty years in jail

Or whatever else you're having

Just one thing could save me now

Don't the Guards all come from Cavan?

And sure enough when the Sarge came in

I knew he'd save the day

We used to spend our summers fishing

Way down Virginia way

When we were cubs we gathered spuds

‘Til our hands did peel and blister

And, though he doesn't know this

I'm courting his wee sister

What the feck are you doing here

Don't you know what this place is like

And he whisked me out the sidedoor

And said now on your bike

But first I'd to promise that I'd be good

That I'd walk the straight and narrow

I wouldn't drink, I'd hardly think

I wouldn't beg or steal or borrow

If an old woman had to cross the road

I'd go up and I'd assist her

And one more thing you randy hoor

Keep away from my wee sister

Well any high I'd felt was gone

All I could do was groan

I found the old jalopy

And I pointed her for home

I got out on the Cavan road

And I drove home at full throttle

And the only coke I've had since then

Had come in a screw-top bottle